Sunday, October 14, 2007

Greatest post ever written


This was posted on VolNation a few years ago, but is still the greatest post I have ever read. It is a long read, but worth it!!


I HATE THE ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE !!!

- 1999


Fellow Volunteer Fans,As many of you who have participated on this list for more than 12months know, this is the week that I live for the whole year. It is timefor me to post my annual treatise on why I HATE THE ALABAME CRIMSON TIDE.While many parts of this posting are carry overs from several years, I doadd new parts to this annual posting each year so I hope y'all continue toenjoy it.THE BAMA GAME . For me, one of my main reasons for living andbreathing as a Tennessee Volunteer Fan is so that I CAN HATE THE ALABAMACRIMSON TIDE! As most of you know by now, I DESPISE THEM. I really don'tgive a rip about Florida. Someone asked me two years ago to write anequivalent post prior to the Florida game. I couldn't come up with anythingmore than a few sentences. Once again this year, THE GAME officiallydubbed the "Third Saturday in October" will be played on the fourthSaturday. This game belongs on the Third Saturday in October. You know,there was never a book written titled Fourth Saturday in October. It just"ain't" right, and I would petition the Athletic Directors of both schoolsand the SEC Commissioner to put a stop to some of this nonsense. October ismy favorite month of the year. It always has been, not just the last twoyears. It is when there is a crisp coolness in the air, and the colorsOrange and Crimson splash on a field of Green. You know, I really wish thatwe could do away with the silly rule that states that the home team wearsdark and the visitor wears white. This is only really necessary if bothteams have the same color jerseys. I know that as recently as the early'80s, UT wore orange jerseys and Bama wore their red ones. But, I digress.I hope y'all enjoy reading (or rereading) as much as I enjoy living it. Allin all, this post is getting harder and harder to write every year. Mainlybecause we have beaten Bama each of the past four years. Also, since I nolonger live there, I don't see, read, or hear as much on a day to day basisto inflame me like it used to. However, then I start to remember 1986-1994and it is like pouring gas on a fire.For me, this week is HIGH HOLY WEEK and the Saturday of theTennessee-Alabama game is the HIGHEST of my HIGH HOLY DAYS. It is biggerthan my birthday, the 4th of July, or all of the Federal Holidays that I getall combined. It is the one day of the year that I literally think aboutevery single day the other 364. Not a single solitary day goes by that Idon't somehow, some way think about the Tennessee-Alabama game. Until 1997,I lived in north Alabama, so I saw a lot of BAMA paraphernalia. Every timeI see an Alabama Bumper sticker I think about THE GAME. Every time I seesomeone wearing an Alabama sweatshirt or T-shirt, I think about THE GAME.Every time I see the color red, I think about THE GAME. I hate the colorred. Red is the one color that refuse to wear. My wife will pick out ashirt or a pair of shorts in a store that she thinks will look good on me.If it is crimson or red I will refuse to buy it. My wife bought a new car afew years ago. A red one. It is a cool car, but I hate the color. Everytime I see it, I think about THE GAME. If I pull up to a traffic light andthe signal is red, I think about THE GAME. What makes it worse is there isusually some "bubba" in front of me with a BAMA bumper sticker. If I'mlucky enough to be first at the light, then the idiot on the other side ofthe intersection will have a BAMA license plate on their front bumper. GOD,I HATE BAMA! Every single night when I used to watch the sports news in theHuntsville-Decatur area, there was going to be something said about theCrimson Tide and I would think about THE GAME. Every time I saw aBirmingham Paper and I saw Paul Finebaum or Bill Lumpkin's columns, youcould bet that somehow they were going to work in at least one sentenceabout the Crimson Tide. It made no difference that they might have beenwriting a column about equestrian or water polo. There was a restaurant upthe road from where I worked where I often had lunch. They had a pictureof Paul "Bear" Bryant on the wall behind the cash register. I would seethat DAMN PICTURE, and I immediately thought about THE GAME.For me, BAMA not Florida, is Tennessee's nemesis. Tennessee andBama already had a series record long before Florida students knew how tospell the word "football". I HATE BAMA's GUTS. I HATE THE ALABAMA CRIMSONTIDE with every word I speak, every blink of my eyes, every thought that Ihave, every breath I take, and every beat of my heart. I HATE THE ALABAMACRIMSON TIDE!!! I literally cannot stand the sight of 'em. When I firstmoved to north Alabama and was single, I glued an Alabama decal to thebottom of my commode in my apartment. It was a "natural law" on Saturdayafternoon that you would sit around the apartment all day watching collegefootball and drinking beer. It was a rule that you had to yell, "PISS ONALABAMA" every time you went to the bathroom. It was even better when I hadto sit down. 8-) (no, I didn't have a wife or son at that time. Really theonly thing that I don't like about being married is that I can't do thisanymore. :-( )I also know that a majority of the players we have on our team nowconsider Florida to be our arch rival in the SEC. There are only a handfulof players on our team who can remember the last time we lost to ALABAMA.However, I remember. From the time I was in the fifth grade at the age of10, I was listening to Tennessee play football on a Magnavox transistorradio that my Dad had. I carried that radio around with me everywhere Iwent in the fall. I was never without that radio on Saturday afternoonswith it tuned to WREC AM600 in Memphis with John Ward blaring out on thesingle speaker. Back in those days, Tennessee didn't play 9 out of 11games on television like they do now. In those days usually only one gameper year was on TV. That was a team that I later learned to fear, thenlearned to HATE, then suffered against. They were a team that wore redjerseys and whose coach was called Bear Bryant. He was revered as a god. IHATED THAT TEAM. There was a kid named in my neighborhood who was a fewyears older than me. All I ever heard out of Matt's mouth during footballseason was ALABAMA this and ALABAMA that. "Bear Bryant is the greatestcoach ever." "Alabama is the greatest team." "Alabama won back to backNational Championships, Tennessee can't even win the SEC because Tennesseecan't beat ALABAMA." "Tennessee can't beat THE BEAR." "Tennessee can'tbeat the CRIMSON TIDE". I did fully understand what kind of a mascot theCrimson Tide was, but I HATED them. For at least 5 years through the lastyears of elementary school and junior high school, I heard this rattletrapfrom that guy almost every single Saturday afternoon. Every singleafternoon after school that all the kids in the neighborhood played footballin the front yard, I had to hear this load from this guy. From my point ofview, he was right. In my short time of loving UT and being a UT fan and"watching" all their games on the radio, I had never known us to beat BAMA.Year in and year out, we lost to BAMA. I HATED ALABAMA. I wanted to beatTHE BEAR worse than anything just so I could rub it in Matt's face that wehad beaten his BELOVED ALABAMA. WE HAD BEATEN THE BEAR. I HATED THECRIMSON TIDE. I PRAYED TO GOD FOR A DAY THAT WE WOULD BEAT ALABAMA!!! I remember an October afternoon in 1982 when Coach Johnny Majors led the Vols to a victory over Alabama. I don't remember if I cried or not, but I know that I listened to every single down on my Dad's Magnavox radio. I was sohappy, I went right over to Matt's house to rub his face in it. He wasn'thome. Thank you Matt, you taught me at a young age one of the GREATESTTRUTHS in my life. I HATE ALABAMA!!!I HATE BAMA because they beat the Gators in the Swamp!!! (Okay, Idon't really hate it all that bad, but it does erk me severely....)I HATE BAMA because most of their fans are a bunch of dumb idiot,cousin dating, illiterate, rednecks who couldn't find Tuscalosa on a map ofthe State of Alabama if the Southeastern Conference Championship depended onit. Shucks, half of 'em probably can't find the State of Alabama on a mapof the United States. They are so dumb that they proudly wear flip-flopsand overalls out on the town to Walmart on a Saturday night because theycan't tie their own shoes or zip up their pants. However, they proudly flythose BAMA flags from the window of their new 1999 Red Chevrolet or Dodgepick-up trucks with their BAMA bumper stickers on the rear bumper. Thetruck probably cost 3 times their annual income, but is worth 5 times morethan the 1970's model house trailer that they proudly park it in front ofnext to a brand new satellite dish so they can watch their "beloved" CRIMSONTIDE play and fail to cover the spread against the likes of Bowling Green,Southern Miss, Tulane, etc., etc. on Pay-Per-View. Every once in a while,BAMA plays a really, REALLY, BIG GAME against seasoned, SEC opponents likeKentucky or Vanderbilt. Isn't it strange that one of BAMA's permanent SECEastern Division Opponents is Vanderbilt? What is really sad is the idiotBAMA FANS who actually will engage you in a conversation about how the"Green Wave" or "Vanderbilt" could actually give BAMA a tough game. Then,after BAMA only beats one of these "bunnies" by one or two touchdowns, theyget mad because BAMA didn't climb 6 places in the A.P. Top 25 Poll. Then, IHATE BAMA because I have to listen to these same BAMA FANS explain why thereason that BAMA didn't cover the spread against Vandy, Tulane, or BrownieTroop 247 is BECAUSE (Are y'all ready for this?), "Stallings (now MikeDuBose) didn't want Tennessee and Auburn to really see what BAMA has for ateam. They were just sandbagging until later in the season when they bringout the big guns." UNBELIEVABLE!!! I will admit that I haven't heard muchof this stuff this season since Mr. Dubose took over as head coach, but Ithink those losses to "seasoned" opponents like La. Tech in 2 of the last 3years shut most of this up. However, if they had greased those games likethey normally do, instead of losing, I'm sure I'd have heard any earful bynow.I HATE BAMA because of those two fans who go to games with a roll oftoilet paper stuck on a box of Tide washing powder held with plungers. Idon't think I've ever watched a BAMA game that those two idiots somehowdon't wind up on NATIONAL television. I went to lunch just last week withsome coworkers in the Birmingham office. They took me to some placeplastered with nothing but BAMA crap all over the walls. As I was walkingout of the door I caught glimpse of these idiots in newspaper picture thatwas framed and hanging on the wall. I received an e-mail after the 1996game. In case you think I'm kidding, here it is.>In case y'all were at the game and didn't tape it. Guess what two>guys were part of CBS' intro to THE GAME. That's right. Right there with>the footage of General Neyland, Paul "Bear" Bryant, Johnny Majors (as the>player not the coach) Reggie White, and all the other Third Saturday in>October greats of the past...>> Oh well, I guess anyone who works that hard deserves to be on>Television. At least they aren't wearing "HOG HATS".Last season Roy Kramer gave me another reason to HATE BAMA thatreally didn't come to light until Saturday, September 18th , 1999. I havealways signed my personal email, "My two favorite teams are TENNESSEE andwhoever plays Alabama." However, thanks to Mr. Kramer's Bowl ChampionshipSeries, the BCS ranks teams and uses your opponents records in the formulafor where you are ranked. Therefore, I cannot desire for ALABAMA to go 0-11anymore. THIS IS DRIVING ME NUTS!!!. On the Saturday that the TIDE wasbeaten on the last second play by Louisiana Tech, I almost jumped out of mychair laughing. I great sense of joy filled my heart. Then my brain tookover. That hurts Tennessee in the BCS rankings. Gosh Dangit! Even whenBAMA loses they find a way to hurt us. I HATE BAMA FOR MAKING OUR SCHEDULELOOK WEAK IN THE BCS RANKINGS WHEN THEY LOSE TO LA. TECH AND I HATE THE BCS FOR MAKING ME WANT BAMA TO WIN WHEN THEY AREN'T PLAYING THE VOLS. IT GOES AGAINST EVERY FIBER IN MY BODY. I CAN'T DO IT! I HATE BAMA TOO MUCH!!!I HATE BAMA because in 1992 David Palmer got not one, but TWO DUI'sand the BAMA GRAD JUDGE gave him "youthful offender status" so he could playfootball for the Crimson Tide when they won the '92 national championship.If that had been you or I, we'd still be in jail. Question: What year didDavid Palmer GRADUATE from the University of Alabama?I HATE BAMA because of Forrest Gump. I truly love the movie ForrestGump. I have seen it over a dozen or so times. It is one of my favoritemovies. I remember going to see Forrest Gump for the first time at themovie theater. I was thoroughly enjoying the movie when the scene whereForrest and Jenny are walking home from high school comes up. Forrest takesoff running and runs across the high school football field where a youngPaul Bear Bryant wearing that black and white checked cap is recruiting. Imust admit that scene took me by surprise. Very quickly, I forgot all aboutthe movie "Forrest Gump" and started thinking about TENNESSEE vs. ALABAMA!The next scene I see Forrest in an ALABAMA football uniform streaking downthe field to score a touchdown. The crowd is doing an ALABAMA card trick inthe stands. ( I wished we still did cards in college football.) Forrestruns all the way down the field, into the end zone, and out the tunnel. Ittook me several minutes to get back into the movie. I just kept thinkingabout ALABAMA. At the time the movie came out, Tennessee had lost toALABAMA 8 times in a row. I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS THE GAME AND MY THIS JUSTADDED MORE FUEL FOR MY HATE OF ALABAMA!!!I HATE BAMA because they are a bunch of ARROGANT WHINERS. Fouryears ago when BAMA lost to Arkansas, they got upset because of a blown callby the officials. This happens all the time in football and is simply partof the game. Sometimes the breaks go your way, and sometimes they go theother way. BUT NOT FOR BAMA, THEY GOT THE WHOLE ENTIRE SEC OFFICIATING CREWSUSPENDED FOR A WEEKEND BECAUSE THEY HAD THE AUDACITY TO BLOW A CALL THATWOULD HAVE GONE IN BAMA's FAVOR.I HATE BAMA because they still talk about Paul Bear Bryant in thepresent tense. I have nothing but respect and admiration for the late PaulBryant, but I am sick and tired of some redneck Bama Fan who, while pumpinggas at the gas station, sees my "GO BIG ORANGE" license plate on the frontof my car and starts telling me what THE BEAR would have done if he had beencoaching the VOLS against Florida. I already know what the BEAR would havebeen doing. HE WOULD HAVE BEEN MOLDING BECAUSE HE IS DEAD. Bama Fans arealmost as bad as Elvis fans when it comes to this. I say "almost" because,to my knowledge, Bama fans don't dress up like the Bear and hold acandlelight vigil at his graveside the way fans of the King do in Memphisevery year. Q: How many Bama fans does it take to change a light bulb?A: 75,001 - one to change the bulb and 83,818 to sit in Bryant-DennyStadium and talk about how good the old bulb was. Several years ago, I waslistening to the Rush Limbaugh radio show and a lady called him fromsomewhere in Alabama. When Rush introduced her and said the name of thetown, and state she was from she started talking about being raised inAlabama, and emphasized the fact that it was the same state that Bear Bryantmade his famous coaching tenure. I'm driving along and wondering, "Doesthis lady actually believe that there is anyone with any intelligencewhatsoever who doesn't know where THE BEAR is from?" Then I realized thepoint. She was honestly believed that she was supposed to be special andprivileged because she happened to live in the same State as the late Bearcoached. She didn't have anything to contribute to Rush's Show, sheapparently just wanted to make that point. He rather quickly got rid ofher. I was so white knuckled from gripping the steering wheel and cursingThe Crimson Tide and her arrogance that I almost had to pull over. By theway, this was in 1991 only a few weeks after we had suffered our sixthstraight loss to the Tide.There is a nice print available that shows different scenes of the Tidebeating Miami in the Sugar Bowl to win the 1992 National Championship.These scenes in the print are contained within an area that is the shadow ofPaul Bear Bryant's head wearing his famous hat. WHAT IN THE HECK DID PAULBEAR BRYANT HAVE TO DO WITH ALABAMA, COACHED BY GENE STALLINGS, WINNING THE 1992 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP? OH YEAH, STALLINGS WAS ONE OF THE BEAR'S BOYS......Three weeks ago I carried an ornamental garden hose hangar that belongs to my wife to a welding shop in Lilburn, GA, to be repaired. As Iwas waiting on the welder to finish, I suddenly got that feeling that I wasbeing watched. I slowly turned around and could see into plate glasswindow of the welding shop office. Hanging on the wall was this same printof the Tide's victory over Miami in the outline of the BEAR. The BEAR wasstaring at me. I felt it on my back. It was as if he were there. I HATEBAMA.....I HATE BAMA! Because after living in Decatur, Alabama for FIVE OFTHE LONGEST YEARS OF MY LIFE, I FINALLY got the opportunity to move toAtlanta, GA. I figured this would be great. Since Georgia Tech chickenedout and left the SEC, Atlanta is basically an "SEC Neutral" town much likeMemphis (my original hometown). My wife and I got to Atlanta and we found ahouse that she and I both liked. When I entered the living room, my eyesabout flew out of my head. The shelves were filled with ALABAMAparaphernalia complete with the "Paul Bear Bryant" Coca-Cola bottles. Fromthere I walked out on the back deck. Sitting in a pool was a three foottall elephant rared up on this hind legs with trunk in the air blowing waterup and back down into the pool. The Elephant was sporting a RED A on hisside. I about lost it right there as my blood pressure climbed 15 places inthe top 25.. My first question was, "That does go with y'all, correct?".Of course, my wife loved the place and shortly after we moved in, Iperformed a full blown orange exorcism. Unfortunately, the deck underneathwhere that damn elephant was sitting is permanently stained. So, GUESS WHATCOMES TO MY MIND EVERY TIME I SEE THAT DAMN SPOT? YOU GUESSED IT, THAT GODFORSAKEN ELEPHANT AND WITH IT, THE GAME. I MEAN FOR NEYLAND'S SAKE, 4MILLION PEOPLE LIVE IN THE ATLANTA METROPOLITAN AREA, WHAT ARE ODDS? BUTHEY, IT IS A GOOD THING, IT GIVES ME ANOTHER REASON TO HATE BAMA. :-)I HATE BAMA because Bama leads the series 42-32-7.I HATE BAMA because they are the only SEC school to have a winningrecord against the Vols in Neyland Stadium. This is totally unacceptableto me.I HATE BAMA because I am sick and tired for the BAMA FAITHFULspouting off about their 12 national championships. ALABAMA is an excellentprogram with a long football history and tradition and they have won morethan several legitament national championships, BUT GIVE ME A BREAK! Someof those championships might as well rank right up there with the "MarthaWhite Cornbread Top 25", or the "BIRMINGHAM TIRE AND BATTERY Top 25".I HATE BAMA because a BAMAFAN once told me that while the team theywant to beat the most is Tennessee, the team they least like to lose to isAuburn. I know if he wasn't speaking for all their fans as a whole, and Iguess playing Tennessee doesn't rank right up there with playing an instaterival like Auburn. I TAKE THAT AS AN INSULT. I UNDERSTAND IT, BUT I STILLHATE IT.I HATE BAMA JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE BAMA. BOTTOM LINE IS THAT I HATE BAMABECAUSE TENNESSEE LOST TO THEM 9 TIMES IN A ROW FROM 1986 UNTIL 1995. ITLITERALLY COST ME THE BEST YEARS OF MY COLLEGE FOOTBALL VIEWING LIFE. IWILL NEVER FORGET THE 6-9 LOSS TO BAMA IN KNOXVILLE IN 1990. THAT WAS THE LONGEST DRIVE FROM KNOXVILLE BACK TO MEMPHIS OF MY LIFE. I DEMANDSATISFACTION. I WANT TO KILL 'EM. I WANT TO BEAT THEM SO BAD THAT THEYDON'T WANT TO SUIT UP AGAIN THE REST OF THE YEAR. I WANT TUSCALOSAERADICATED FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. I DON'T HAVE TO AVOID THE RUSH, IHATE BAMA 12 MONTHS, 52 WEEKS, 365 DAYS, 8,760 HOURS, A YEAR!!!!! I HATETHEIR GUTS. A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO THERE WAS A JOKE ABOUT A BAMA FAN'SSTUPID DOG. WELL I DON'T CARE ABOUT SOME MANGY, FLEA AND TICK INFESTED BAMA FAN'S DOG, BUT MY DOG HATES BAMA TOO!A FELLOW VOLUNTEER FAN WROTE ME LAST YEAR AND TOLD ME HE FELT EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. HE SAID, "I HATE BAMA SO MUCH THAT IF WE BEAT THEM 212-0 FOR THE NEXT 100 YEARS IN A ROW IN NEYLAND STADIUM, IT WOULD NOT BE ENOUGH TO SATISFY MY HATRED OF THEM." I THINK HE SUMMED UP IN ONE SENTENCE EXACTLY HOW I FEEL AND IT TOOK ME SEVERAL PAGES TO EXPRESS, EXECPT FOR ONE THING. I'D LIKE TO PLAY THEM ON THEIR HOME FIELD (BRYANT-DENNY, NOT LEGION FIELD) AND BEAT THEM JUST AS BAD. THIS YEAR I'M GOING TO GET MY CHANCE.However, I do have more respect for BAMA than any other team in theSEC. Playing and beating truly means something to me. This rivalry datesall the way back to 1901. Alabama and Tennessee rank 1 and 2 respectivelyin all time SEC victories and winning percentage. We are the TITANS of theSEC. It is for this reason that I feel the way I do. I love poking fun atthe Alabama fans as much as they love doing it to us. We have somethingthat other schools in the SEC (such as Florida) will never have. This iswhy I HATE BAMA, but I RESPECT BAMA. I will never have any respect forFlorida. I do long for Bama to return from these leaner years to its formerglory. I long for the BAMA GAME to be the #1 game in the heart and minds ofall Volunteer Fans as it is in mine. However, I ALSO LONG TO BEAT BAMABY A SCORE OF 213-0 OR MORE EVERY TIME THAT WE PLAY THEM FROM HERE ON AND I WANT THEM TO BE UNDEFEATED AND RANKED IN THE TOP 10 EVERYTIME THAT WE DO IT!!! MY ONLY HOPE IS THAT EVERY PLAYER AND COACH IN THE TENNESSEE FOOTBALL PROGRAM FEELS EXACTLY THE SAME WAY THAT I DO! GOD BLESS THE TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS. GO BIG ORANGE!!! BEAT THE EVER LOVING ELEPHANT CRAP OUT OF BAMA!!!